When Sex Gets Boring
â€śIâ€™VE GOT TO BEAT THE CLOCK BEFORE WE EACH LOSE INTEREST.â€ť
Someone recently made that statement to me about his erotic life with his partner. His experience has been that erotic interest between two people die s pretty quickly, so you better get in as much sex as possible during the early years of the relationship. If you donâ€™t have good sex early on, itâ€™s never going to get any better.
Single guys sometimes tell me they get tired of their sexual routine, too: sex may be easy to get, but itâ€™s often not deeply satisfying. They find themselves in a rut, feeling like they ought to be enjoying themselves more than they actually do.
Feeling like sex has become a chore can take a toll on how you feel about yourself. If youâ€™re in a relationship, a sex life thatâ€™s as predictable as a sitcom rerun can make you feel like you with the wrong guy. Ruts suck. Theyâ€™re boring and the siphon the juice out of just about anything: your job, your diet, and your relationships.
People are creatures of habit, whether weâ€™re talking grocery shopping or lovemaking. Habits arenâ€™t necessarily bad if they work for you. Trouble is, routines can become soâ€¦routine. We want a little variety, some jalapeno peppers spicing up the same old dish.
How to change things? A good place to start is with yourself. Whatâ€™s it like when youâ€™re feeling sexual and youâ€™re also alone? Many of us have been pleasuring ourselves in the same way since we left adolescence. Get out the lube, turn on the VCR, enjoy yourself for 5 minutes, get a towel to clean up and turn out the lights for the evening. Talk about ruts! What would it be like to take your time, to really notice how your body feels, to run your hands over the smooth places and furry places, etc? Or to get off your back, put on some music and touch yourself while you move and dance.
If youâ€™re you may find your eyes starting to glaze over when you hear â€śSo what are you into?â€ť For too many men words like â€śtopâ€ť or â€śbottomâ€ť become like straightjackets, confining sex to predictable routine. Why not mix it up?
Whether tricking, dating or relating, too many of us have picked up the mistaken message that a good lover is in charge of his partnerâ€™s pleasure. This is actually a little grandiose; how are you supposed to know what makes him feel good, especially if he doesnâ€™t tell you? â€śIâ€™m responsible for his pleasureâ€ť leads to disappointment. Try replacing it with â€śIâ€™m responsible for my own pleasure and for being present with my partner.â€ť
A problem some men experience when they are in relationships is that we seek unconditional love from our partner, but that sort of love can seem less sexy. In fact, the affection that builds over time can make the other guy feel like family â€“ and sex with him feel incestuous on an unconscious level. Keeping a relationship sexy means breaking that taboo.
With a partner or someone else with whom youâ€™re sharing erotic life, it can be fun to play the â€śYour Turn/ My Turn Game.â€ť It goes like this: Ask your partner to undress and lay back while you explore his body. (You may want to have some conversation first about his general likes and dislikes.) Explore touching different places in his body â€“ including touching with your hands, fingertips, fingernails, lips, etc. Try varying the pressure â€“ light sometimes, more forceful.
Make it playful; imagine a devilish look in your eyes, asking him â€śWhich feels better, A or B?â€ť See if you can learn what sort of touch doesnâ€™t work for him, whatâ€™s pleasurable, whatâ€™s a major turn-on. When youâ€™ve finished, itâ€™s his turn to give and your turn to receive. The object of the game is for each guy to find out more about what sort of touch feels pleasurable to receive, and for each man to learn something about how to touch the other.
Donâ€™t let your erotic life get boring. A guy could spend an entire lifetime learning about the landscape of his own desires and learning how to be a good lover. Turn off the TV and see what happens.